


When I'm Gone

by tylerandburnham



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22605391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tylerandburnham/pseuds/tylerandburnham
Summary: Ash is on the Enterprise headed back to Starfleet Headquarters to be debriefed after the season 2 finale. He finds that Michael left him a prerecorded message made before she and Captain Pike told the Discovery bridge crew and Ash her plans to go into the future. She explains why she didn't come to say good-bye to him in person and all the things she wished she had told him.
Relationships: Michael Burnham/Ash Tyler | Voq
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	When I'm Gone

When I’m Gone

“So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone  
Everything I am and everything in me  
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be  
I'll never let you down even if I could  
I'd give up everything if only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong  
You can hold me when I'm scared you won't always be there  
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone”  
3 Doors Down - When I’m Gone

Ash Tyler looked out at the stars from his guest quarters on the Enterprise while they warped back to Earth to explain what exactly had just happened. Or at least a version of what had happened. Anything to protect the future and safety of the universe, Discovery’s crew, and Michael...always Michael.

He took a deep breath trying to center his thoughts, to not be overwhelmed by his loss. But his thoughts kept drifting back to Michael, that last time they spoke, the last time he felt her in his arms, the last time they kissed… He had stayed behind and the cost had irrevocably changed his life. There hadn’t been any time to talk with Michael. He had poured all his love into their last moments together. He hoped that was enough. He hoped that Michael understood that he loved her, unconditionally and always, and that he had stayed behind not only to protect the universe but to protect her as well.

If Tyler didn’t start moving forward he was going to be overwhelmed. He pulled his black traveling bag over to the sofa and sat down. He rummaged through the bag looking for his tablet. He wanted to go over what he, Captain Pike, Number One, and Lieutenant Spock had discussed for the debriefing at Starfleet Headquarters. It would help focus his mind on the task ahead. But while searching for it, he noticed a small, red square disk that he didn’t recognize or remember seeing previously. Was it a recording? A message? He glanced at the date stamp. It was before Discovery went into the wormhole and before he said good-bye to Michael. 

“Michael,” he said in quiet surprise mixed with anguish as he read her name on the disk. She must have recorded it before she knew the Discovery crew was going with her and that he was not. 

With trembling hands he stood up and walked over to the quarter’s computer terminal area where he inserted the disk. 

Tyler’s breath caught as the recorded image of Michael Burnham appeared before him.

She was trying to smile...and failing. Her smile was wavering.

“Ash.”

Tyler’s heart soared and plummeted. When would he ever hear her say his name again spoken with such love and affection?

“I have no idea where to begin except to say `I’m sorry.’ I know we’re both not great at good-byes.” Tears were starting to pool in Michael’s eyes. But she took a breath and clasped her hands together. “I’m sorry for so many things, Ash, and at this exact moment I’m sorry for not saying good-bye in person or tell you what I was going to do before Captain Pike and I told the bridge crew and you. I could blame it on there not enough time but…”

Michael looked up and away and then back and up, where she knew Ash’s face would be looking down at her. “I was worried that if I told you...looking at you... our tether would pull me back to you. I was worried my resolve would crumble and I wouldn’t be able to go forward with the mission.”

Tyler’s lips pressed inward and then back out again. He could feel the tears pricking his eyes.And looking down at Michael he could see her expression mirroring his own. He watched and tracked a tear as it fell down Michael’s cheek.

Voice choked with emotion Michael said, “I’m so sorry, Ash, for so many things. I’m sorry I pushed you away after you came back to us as Ash Tyler first and foremost.” Another tear slid down her face. “I was scared and hurt and confused. You had broken my trust. I thought maybe it was never really you, that what we had was all a lie, that you had never really loved me.”

She continued, “But you were right, Ash. Everything you said was true. It did get complicated, more complicated than I was ready for, and to know that you were also a Klingon... it dredged up all those memories of my parents’ deaths. Well, I guess really only my father’s death now. Tilly tried to get through to me. She knew I still cared about you and she tried to… I kept up on your progress, but she was right, how could you truly heal without me, who knew you best? I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I who should have known better than anyone what it felt like to lose everything you love.” 

The memories of all Michael spoke about caused silent tears to start falling down Ash’s face too at the memory. 

The recording of Michael reached out her hand to touch him and then, remembering that Ash was really not there as she was speaking, brought her hands back to herself. “Instead of being there for you, I kept you at a distance. And when you told me you were leaving with L’Rell...I should have tried to convince you to stay. When we spoke during the mission, it was you...and something new, but it was always you. I saw your eyes, Ash. I finally allowed myself to see your eyes, the eyes that loved me. I realized that I had made a mistake and thought I would have time to get to know you again... Your leaving broke my heart and I only had myself to blame.”

Michael shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know what we could have done, Ash. Somehow convinced Starfleet to reinstate your commission and rank? But whatever it was, we would have done it together and you wouldn’t have felt you had to go to Kronos.” 

Michael’s voice was suddenly tinged with the slightest hint of anger. “I know L’Rell and Voq were in love and you had his memories, but sometimes when I think of her I burn with anger at what she did to you, Ash. Voq may have been a willing participant but you…?” She took a breath. “But then if she hadn’t picked you, you and I might never have met. And I know you said it almost makes everything you went through be worth it.” Michael’s eyes shone with love. “My life wouldn’t have been the same if you hadn’t done what you needed to to survive.”

Ash took a step forward toward Michael, and then remembering, stepped back. 

“I was so glad to see you again, to have you back on Discovery.But I didn’t trust Section 31 and I again kept you at a distance at first. I trusted you and not them, and I was so afraid.... You’re a good man, Ash, but I was worried about the path you had chosen and the people you had chosen to walk it with. I did feel what you were trying to do, Ash. 

You’ve always been there, protecting me and waiting for me….to come back to you and to love you…” 

Michael gave him a smile that lit up her eyes despite the tears there, “Ash, I love you. I have always loved you. And only you. And I can’t tell you how much your love has meant to me, how much all the moments we have shared have meant to me.” Tears started to fall harder. “I can’t begin to express how sorry I am that I’m leaving you. I am, and will always be, connected to you, Ash. You told me that my capacity to love saved your life. Yours save mine, Ash. You are my tether and I am always yours.” 

Reaching down into a pocket in her pants, Michael pulled out an object. Ash eyes widened. It was the tether he had given Michael before he left for Kronos. 

Michael swiveled her head at something Ash could not see. She then turned her attention back on him. “Duty calls. I wish there was more time…”

She took her index and middle finger and tapped them against her heart as she smiled. “Ash, wherever you are right now, I’m with you, always.” Fingering the bowline knot in her palm she said, “I’m taking this with me, Ash. I am taking all my memories of you with me.” Michael looked down at the tether and then up at Ash. “The vulcans say, I ashaya du. But I'm told the Klingons say, bangwI' SoH.” Michael smiled sheepishly, “Forgive my pronunciation.” She turned serious. “I can’t help feel that this isn’t the end of our story, Ash. So until then, take care of yourself, Ash. Be safe and happy, please.”

Ash could feel his knees beginning to buckle but he couldn’t take his eyes off of Michael’s face. 

Michael mouthed silently, “I love you.” After that she was gone. Vanished. She was 930 years somewhere in the future. But felt her no matter the distance or time.

The sofa caught Tyler as he sank backwards into it. Hot tears ran down his face and yet he was smiling through it all. He knew their last moments together would always replay in mind and be at the top of all his memories of Michael. His thoughts again went back to his last kiss with her. He had poured everything of himself into Michael during those last moments. He had tried to pour all his love for her and his sorrow at not going with her into her. His arms could still feel Michael in them after she lept into him. His lips still remembered their kisses. His hands still could feel her face. Their foreheads had touched. He remembered her hands in his and the ache when she pulled them and turned to go down the corridor. 

His heart had cracked into a million shattering pieces when she first walked away from him when he told her he couldn’t follow her into the future. But when she ran back to him all those pieces flew back together. Not completely. He was losing her after all. They were losing each other. His heart still felt the cracks but the pieces were held together by her love for him.

Ash could still feel her out there. His tears had dried but the remnants of their paths still shone on his face. Tyler’s hand reached into his bag and he pulled out a short, black piece of sailor’s rope. His hands molded it quickly into a bowline. Michael had her tether and now he had his. He hoped she could feel him through space and time.


End file.
